follow the whimsy

Obamas Plant Organic Veggie Garden

2009-03-20T17:40:00.003-06:00

so, i haven't posted in a while, but this bit of news has spurred me on! the obamas are planting a kitchen garden on the white house lawn! i love these people! talk about speaking to an issue near and dear to my heart--sustainable and healthy food for all. way to go, obamas!

if you are interested, you can read the full article here.

picture courtesy of cnn.com

New Video

2009-02-07T14:56:00.006-07:00

Chris again, once more hijacking my wife's blog to post video of the kids. Enjoy.

This first one is simply a conversation with J at the table one day. It seems so important to capture him talking, as we didn't do a great job of getting N & D on audio when they were at the really cute stage of speech.

This one involves chopsticks as drumsticks and one of my favorite songs.

J mangling a christmas song in his own adorable way. Listen carefully at the end.

One of our few sledding days this year. Every year it is hard to find days with enough snow that are warm enough to go outside, but not so warm that the snow melts.

The Quest for Jeans that Fit

2008-12-10T08:57:00.002-07:00

so, have you seen this website Zafu?

it's magic...you answer a few questions and it tells you what jeans, pants, or bras will fit you best. and, as someone who hasn't quite figured out this whole mom-figure thing yet, and who is not the best shopper in the world (i hate it), that is brilliant!

anyway, maybe all of you already look fabulous at all times. in fact, you probably do. but for the rest of us, here's help!

Advent Conspiracy

2008-11-10T14:06:00.001-07:00

i saw this on a friend's blog and had to share...hope you are challenged like i was.

Videos

2008-10-26T18:12:00.007-06:00

Christy is at choir practice with the boys, so I am taking this opportunity to hijack her blog and post a couple of videos from our camping trips this summer.

The first one is from our trip to the Sand Dunes about a month ago.

The second one is from the day we were loading up to go camping at Brainard Lake earlier in the summer.

Video # 3 is from the shores of the lake during that trip.

Finally, one more from a hike taken during that trip.

Ode to a Brown Chair

2008-10-18T08:30:00.000-06:00

this chair has been with me since birth
my husband doesn't appreciate its worth
my babies were nursed there
so much more than "just a chair"
may its spirit roam free on the earth

goodbye, sweet chair.

Pretty Much Sums it Up

2008-10-11T11:12:00.001-06:00

photo courtesy of: Planet Money blog www.npr.org/blogs/money

This is the Place Where

2008-10-08T13:39:00.002-06:00

this weekend marked my 10 year college reunion.

wheaton was the place where:
i learned to make the best of a dorm room. shared with a cheerleader.
realized that my best is not always good enough.
stayed up waaaay too late.
found that Jesus is not always easily met in a room full of christians.
learned to be honest before God.
ate food creatively edited from the cafeteria offerings.
chose to speak my mind.
realized that it's not my job to rescue someone who doesn't want to be rescued.
decided to marry my husband.
spent a lot of time on the roof.
got to stand alongside someone choosing to face their past.
learned that truth and love need to balance each other.
saw Jesus reflected in the unexpected places, more than in the status quo.

sometimes i feel like the parts of myself that were most vibrant 10 years ago are somehow buried beneath the details and the day to day of my current life. i hope that this weekend serves as a reminder to hold on to those pieces, to not let them fade away.

Gimme an I! Gimme a K! Gimme an E and A!

2008-09-12T10:17:00.003-06:00

let us all shout for joy as the news breaks across the land....IKEA is coming to Colorado! according to the denver post, ikea will be coming to centennial (south of denver) sometime in the forseeable future. with news like this, the question remains: can trader joes be far behind? dare we to hope??

Please Don't Lock the Bathroom Door

2008-09-10T08:44:00.002-06:00

the time is t-minus 5 minutes until leaving for school. the place? the upstairs bathroom. the culprit? my friend daniel estoll, 4 years old.

the kid was having a rough time anyway because he had just woken up. his hair was all frazzled and he was missing a shirt. add to that the fact that we were about to get in the car, jammy pants and all to get his older brother to school, and he wasn't in the best frame of mind. well, neither was i for that matter.

he locked himself in for reasons unknown, and immediately started freaking out. fortunately, he is the most level-headed of my children. he gets it from his mother. after several minutes of "take a deep breath, daniel" and "turn the little lever--no, not the handle, the lever! turn it away from the sink--no! away from the sink!!" we finally managed to spring him from the clink.

we even made it to school on time.

but, in the future, please don't lock the bathroom door!

Million Dollar Beans

2008-08-29T13:20:00.007-06:00

the above is a photo of one pound of green beans. for reference, a pound of organic green beans was selling at the boulder farmers market last week for $5. five bucks! the following photo is of the amount of green beans i have in my fridge from just the past 6 days:

so, by my calculations, by the end of the summer, my 1/2 packet of pole green beans should save me approximately $1,039,572 in organic boulder green beans. take that, $5 a pound!

(anyone know any green bean recipes?)

Can You Bake a Cherry Pie, Billy Boy

2008-07-09T23:17:00.002-06:00

so, an exciting milestone has been reached this week...no, not the tomatoes, cause the first one was 2 weeks ago. i know, i should have told you. no, it's the inaugural appearance of the boiling water canner for the season. that's right, and the victim: cherries.

i have to say that of all the canning i've done so far (admittedly, not much), cherries have got to be up there in the labor intensive. granted, these were "found" cherries, picked off a tree in public space, so i was already spending a decent amount of time picking. but then, oh, then comes The Pitting. thank goodness for my mother-in-law's fancy high-tech pitter, that's all i can say.

and, after all that, i got enough to make 2.3 pies. my husband's favorite, so i hope he knows how much i love him. yeah, he probably does.

I am an HMTL Wizard

2008-07-07T08:46:00.003-06:00

not to deflect from my previous post, but i just have to share my latest accomplishment, which is--messing around with the code in my blog. i'm sure for "real" bloggers this is childs play, but...

*drumroll please*

...i changed the blockquotes code in my blog! and i only twitched a little bit with anxiety before making the change, worried that i had irrevocably messed up my blog forever.

what are blockquotes, you ask? well, let me tell you. they are the thing that makes the quotation stand out differently from the rest of the text. i got the idea for mine from this really helpful site called Blogger Buster, which had a bunch of ideas for customizing your blockquotes. here's a copy of what i used, handily offset by the blockquotes themselves:

blockquote {
margin:1em 20px;
font-weight; bold;
font-style: italic; color: #87cefa;
border: 3px dotted #87cefa;
padding: 10px;
}

i even made up my own color scheme, and everything. now, wasn't that fun?

James Dobson Doesn't Speak for Me

2008-07-07T07:58:00.003-06:00

in another round of ways that the "religious right", while sharing much of my understanding of faith, does NOT share my understanding of politics and the intersection thereof, i bring you james dobson's recent attacks of barack obama (if you want to listen to it, scroll through to about 10 min 30 sec or so, because the whole first part is about something else). as i've said before, i don't believe that either political party has cornered the market on being christianer-than-thou. i have real issues with some of the "party lines" of both sides, but i get very frustrated with the assumption that christians can only morally vote for a republican. there are some planks of the republican party that stand in direct opposition of my understanding of the christian faith.

i also feel that dobson in particular has been irresponsible during this campaign, telling his followers in february that faced with his current choices for president (mccain, or hillary/obama at the time) he is simply not going to vote. i'm sorry, but for a public figure with as much influence as he has to tell people he won't vote, that is not only irresponsible but also strikes me as fairly like a petty tantrum. in my house, people who have petty tantrums have to go to their room for a while.

this line of thought began last week because of an email that a friend sent me, where jim wallis (the author of the book i blogged about here) points out how much distortion james dobson uses in his attack on obama. you can read jim wallis' whole essay here, but in a nutshell he sums up a lot of what i have been feeling in these last few paragraphs:

Instead of saying that Christians must accept the "the lowest common denominator of morality," as Dobson accused Obama of suggesting, or that people of faith shouldn't advocate for the things their convictions suggest, Obama was saying the exact opposite -- that Christians should offer their best moral compass to the nation but then engage in the kind of democratic dialogue that religious pluralism demands. Martin Luther King Jr. perhaps did this best, with his Bible in one hand and the Constitution in the other.

One more note. I personally disagree with how both the Democrats and Republicans have treated the moral issue of abortion and am hopeful that the movement toward a serious commitment for dramatic abortion reduction will re-shape both parties' language and positions. But that is the only "bloody notion" that Dobson mentions. What about the horrible bloody war in Iraq that Dobson apparently supports, or the 30,000 children who die each day globally of poverty and disease that Dobson never mentions, or the genocides in Darfur and other places? In making abortion the single life issue in politics and elections, leaders from the Religious Right like Dobson have violated the "consistent ethic of life" that we find, for example, in Catholic social teaching.

Dobson has also fought unsuccessfully to keep the issue of the environment and climate change, which many also now regard as a "life issue," off the evangelical agenda. Older Religious Right leaders are now being passed by a new generation of young evangelicals who believe that poverty, "creation care" of the environment, human trafficking, human rights, pandemic diseases such as HIV/AIDS, and the fundamental issues of war and peace are also "religious" and "moral" issues and now a part of a much wider and deeper agenda. That new evangelical agenda is a deep threat to Dobson and the power wielded by the Religious Right for so long. It puts many evangelical votes in play this election year, especially among a new generation who are no longer captive to the Religious Right. Perhaps that is the real reason for Dobson's attack on Barack Obama.

i very much identify with what jim wallis describes as "a new generation of young evangelicals" and the issues he describes. i am excited for the "moral issues" of our time to include more than just The Big One that the religious right has said is important.

for the record, the speech by obama that dobson is so adamantly attacking is here. i find after reading it that in my opinion, the more vitriolic and low-minded speech goes to dobson, not obama.

Banketstaaf, or How a Mexican Fiesta Led to Dutch Pastry

2008-06-21T15:21:00.011-06:00

this post is for My Friend Judith from High School. or, more correctly, My Friend Judith from High School's Mom. you see, judith's family came from the netherlands, and her mom for christmas one year made these amazing dutch pastries called banketstaaf. believe me when i tell you that they were amazing. cause they were. and i always remembered them, even though i'd never heard of them before or since.

well, fast forward to this year when i was making horchata (this cinnamony rice beverage) for Cinco de Mayo. don't worry, this will all make sense eventually. anyway, to make horchata, at least with the recipe i found, you need a ton of blanched almonds which were pulverized and strained through liquid to make a milky milk-like substance, which you then transformed into the horchata. i know, i didn't get the almond-in-the-rice-beverage either. (as an aside, i found out after the fact that you can purchase horchata in the store, and it's really pretty cheap. so, needless to say, i don't know if the whole pulverize-almonds-and-strain-them-by-hand thing is gonna happen again.)

but, even so, i had all this almond meal left over, and it seemed very lame to just throw it away. and if you knew my mom, you would know the evil that befalls anyone who throws away "perfectly good food." lets don't get started on the broccoli stalks.

anyway, so i threw it in the freezer, thinking i would use it sometime. and then, i remembered the banketstaaf. and i looked around and found this recipe to make it. however, it didn't call for almond meal, but almond paste. which apparently, costs your firstborn child if you purchase the quantity called for in the recipe (1 lb). but, fortunately for me i had 3 cups of almond meal in the freezer, so i used this recipe to transform it into almond paste, and voila! banketstaaf.

where the mexican fiesta comes in again, making a full circle of multicultural delight, is that the almond meal, having been used to make the aforementioned almond-rice-beverage, was flavored with cinnamon and lime when i used it the first time around. so instead of your run of the mill almond flavor, it was bursting with fiesta goodness.

all this to say, it really was quite tasty. and, thanks, judith's mom.

A Beautiful Sunny Day

2008-06-14T20:12:00.004-06:00

so, my husband and the boys were out hiking and playing in the gorgeous june weather today, while i stayed inside at my computer desk at work. talk about a lame way to spend a beautiful saturday! and, in order for you to understand just how lame it was, i am posting the video he made of it:

Toothless Wonder

2008-06-02T15:37:00.010-06:00

well, i have to hurry up and post this, because the first lost tooth is soon to be joined by the second! yep, that's right, nicholas officially has a less-toothy-grin, as of last weekend. the excitement began in kindergarten, when the tooth was lost during group time (hardly seems fair to miss the first one like that!), and continued on into the night, as mama, who thought she had more "wiggling" time to get organized, quickly sewed up a little tooth fairy pouch. chris likes to make fun of me for it, so i will post it here for your enjoyment. you can't really tell by the picture, but there are cool sparkly gems all around the fairy--every self-respecting fairy needs some fairy dust!

in case you are wondering, the going rate in this house for

fairies, tooth or otherwise, is 4 quarters, a marble, and a shiny rock. i know, i know, i think i got maybe one quarter for mine, but hey, with the price of gas these days, what is the poor kid going to do with a quarter? the marble and rock are special introductory offers only, i'm thinking.

Garden Mania!

2008-05-16T15:21:00.003-06:00

well, you may not know this, but chris and i are in the throes of an enormous garden undertaking. he has been hauling rock for the retaining wall of our new raised bed for the past couple of weeks...literally tons of it. we now have an area of about 225 square feet in which to plant our garden bounty....this is addition to the weeny one we had last year, which already has peas, asparagus, and strawberries growing.

and, i found this really cool toy online to help visualize the crops as they grow. it's really fun to play with, so check it out! you just may decide to plant a mondo one too! :) once you drag-and-drop your plants, hit the "grow" button and see them do their thing...

click here to play

as for me, i am wildly plotting our garden haul, as follows:

tomato plants--8 of them. i want to can a bunch this fall.

squash--2 summer, 2 winter. probably a zuchini and yellow squash, and butternut and pumpkin or spaghetti.

basil--tons

carrots

bell peppers

jalapeno pepper

cukes--one eating, one pickling

maybe potatoes or onions, never tried these before

pole beans

quinoa

sunflowers

poppies

cosmos

already growing in the garden:

the above mentioned strawberries

asparagus

peas

sage

thyme

chives (these are the coolest right now...a ton of purple flowers)

oregano

mint

lavender

parsley

rhubarb--left by the previous owner...anyone have ideas for using this with a rhubarb-hating husband?

that sounds much cooler than it looks right now, but i hope to have a ton of food growing in my yard come summer!

Free Ice Cream

2008-04-25T14:37:00.002-06:00

it must be spring, the free ice cream is starting to roll out! so, as a public service announcement, i am telling you to run, not walk, to your nearest ben & jerry's on april 29th....load up the kiddos, your friends and neighbors! it's free, people!

New Book

2008-04-21T14:46:00.006-06:00

my ever-other-sunday small group is starting a new book, and i am pretty excited about it. while i have always considered myself an evangelical christian, i have often felt like the "party line" of evangelicals does not fit me. in the politics realm anyway. i identify with the evangelical movement in its desire to hold to the primacy of the scriptures, and its unwillingness to discount the hard passages just because they are hard or unpopular, and the idea that the good news of the gospel is being forgiven by and having a relationship with Jesus. however, the political parcel that usually goes along with that (big business, death penalty, downplaying of social justice, environment, education) has always been hard for me to swallow.

this book promises to address that idea, that there is a subset of devout christians out there who do not fall in line with the religious right, who believe deeply in the fundamentals of christianity, but don't necessarily think that God would vote for only one political party. and, as well, that many of the sweeping social reforms that have occurred in this nation have had as their driving force a time of religious revival--women's sufferage, abolition of slavery, etc.

at least, it seems like it from the dust jacket. :) haven't read much yet.

anyway, here it is--The Great Awakening: Reviving Faith and Politics in a Post-Religious Right America, by Jim Wallis

image courtesy of good ol' amazon.com.

anyone out there read it yet? or relate to what i'm talking about?

edited to add an old-fashioned title and link, since the picture is apparently not showing up!

Sooo Handsome

2008-04-15T08:13:00.008-06:00

ok, so i know it's been a while....

thanks to W and because we want to do our duty as good americans, we have used our soon-to-arrive tax stimulus package to finally upgrade our computer. which means, posting will theoretically be easier. and, in celebration i offer you:

Daniel's New Glasses!

these are circa january or so, but i couldn't get the old computer to do the pictures. his eyes had been crossing pretty dramatically before we got them, but it seems to have corrected that. we go in at the end of the month to see if he needs a new prescription (we've already changed it once). meanwhile, i happen to think he is totally cute!

File This Under: You Don't Have to be a Tree-Hugging Liberal

2008-03-07T14:45:00.004-07:00

i came across this website today, and i have to say, it was heartening. many times, i am frustrated by the inertia of the church when it comes to environmental issues. in fact, some treat the very word "environmental" as some kind of pejorative. however, an organization of evangelical leaders have come together to create the Evangelical Climate Initiative is seeking to change that, by acknowledging that the problem is real, urgent, and important for us as Christians to address. it even has a handy tab under their faq's entitled: "Does addressing climate change mean we're becoming liberals?" (just in case you were worried about that.) :) check it out!

love, your favorite tree-hugger.

Things that Make you Wanna Ralph

2008-02-12T08:56:00.000-07:00

(in honor of the stomach bug that i had over the weekend...)

ok, so i knew somewhat in the back of my mind that teflon is not good for you....and old, scratchy teflon, worse. however, i came across this link today and it creeped me out! we have been phasing out the we've-had-it-forever stuff, but this makes me even more determined! yuck!

also, this little ditty about scotchguard, that stuff that repels stains on upholstery, clothing, and carpets. well, apparently, it's also used in food packaging like fast food containers, candy wrappers, microwave popcorn etc. apparently, it was phased out of food products, because of the persistent nature of the chemical in humans and animals all throughout the food chain. my favorite quote: "chemicals that cause cancer in animals cannot be used as food additives"--according to the fda. well. thank goodness for that.

off to peruse some secondhand cast iron....

Superfoods List

2008-02-06T15:13:00.000-07:00

finished the book Superfoods Rx, by Stephen Pratt the other day. basically a manifesto for eating a whole-foods diet...that is, foods in their natural form, not foods from Whole Foods Market (aka "Whole Paycheck".) he focuses on the idea that foods are powerful agents for health, and while we know a lot about the different vitamins and nutrients in food, many times we don't understand the interplay of them all together in certain foods. not to mention, all the ones we haven't discovered yet. also, while it's possible to overdose on certain supplements, it is next to impossible to overdose while eating foods in their natural form. (that is, if he isn't counting cookies. or cheese. neither of which made it on the list, come to think of it.)

in a nutshell, here are the "power foods" he advocates eating more of:

1. beans--at least four 1/2 cup servings a week.
2. blueberries (and purple grapes, cranberries, bysenberries, raspberries, strawberries, currants, blackberries, cherries, and etc. other berries.)--1 to 2 cups daily.
3. broccoli (and brussels sprouts, cabbage, kale, cauliflower, collards, bok choy, mustard greens, swiss chard)--1/2 to 1 cup daily.
4. oats (and wheat germ, ground flaxseed. also brown rice, barley, wheat, buckwheat, rye, millet, bulgur wheat, amaranth, quinoa, triticale, kamut, yellow corn, wild rice, spelt, couscous.)--5 to 7 servings daily. the trick with this one is to find whole, unrefined grains. Look for the word "whole" on the label--don't be fooled by tricky packaging.
5. oranges (and lemons, white and pink grapefruit, kumquats, tangerines, and limes.)--one serving daily.
6. pumpkin (and carrots, butternut squash, sweet potatoes, orange bell peppers)--1/2 cup on most days.
7. wild salmon (not farmed!) (and alaskan halibut, canned albacore tuna, sardines, herring, trout, sea bass, oysters, clams)--2 to 4 times per week. a helpful resource for eco-choices, or if you are concerned about the mercury in some types of fish is the monterey bay aquarium's seafood watch guide. they make a pocket guide that is handy on the go.
8. soy (in the form of tofu, soymilk, soy nuts, edamame, tempeh, miso)--15 grams of soy protien per day. look for organic soy--if it doesn't specify, then chances are it is genetically modified.
9. spinach (and kale, collards, swiss chard, mustard greens, turnip greens, bok choy, romaine lettuce, orange bell peppers)--1 cup steamed or 2 cups raw per day. this category is particulary protective for macular degeneration of the eyes, something which affects my grandmother.
10. tea--one or more cups daily.
11. tomatoes (and red watermelon, pink grapefruit, japanese persimmons, red-fleshed papaya, strawberry guava)--one serving of processed tomatoes (or others) daily, and multiple servings per week of fresh.
12. turkey (or skinless chicken breast)--3 to 4 servings per week. i know, you were worried this was a crazy vegetarian book.
13. walnuts (and almonds, pistachios, sesame seeds, peanuts, pumpkin and sunflower seeds, macadamia nuts, pecans, hazelnuts, cashews)--1 ounce, 5 times per week.
14. yogurt (or kefir)--2 cups daily

i was glad to see that some of these we are already eating regularly, and challenged to add a few of the ones we aren't. how about you--anyone still keeping their "eat healthy" resolutions out there?

Ode to a Spare Tire

2008-01-22T09:35:00.000-07:00

on my way to cbs last week, i bundled up the boys as i normally do and loaded them in the car. fortunately, nicholas was already at preschool because chris can take him most thursday mornings. i strapped them in and started out, getting about 30 yards before i realized that something was very wrong. it was the thumpa-thumpa-thumpa that really gave it away...we had a flat tire. just to set the stage a little, let me say that jonathan was *already* screaming his face off at this point, because he was so cold.

how cold? well, let's just say it was single digits. eight degrees to be exact. fortunately, since i was so close to home, i just gingerly turned around and limped home, hoping not to damage anything by driving on the rims, jonathan screaming all the way.

so, obviously the meeting was out of the question. i took the screaming children inside (daniel is now crying because we can't go and he loves cbs) and get them watching sesame street. i love pbs right now. and i go back out to figure out what to do, because i have about 2 hours until i have to be at nicholas' school for the kindergarten pickup. i decide i need to figure out how to change the tire. fortunately, it is now warmed up to nine degrees. at least i can go inside and jump around every 5 minutes or so for warmth!

let's just say that the last time i changed a tire was...never. ok, maybe once when i learned to drive, but even that is doubtful. thank goodness for the owner's manual. and stan's automotive shop, whose workers never laugh at me when i call them up and say "ummm....what do i do now?" i will show you in pictures what happened next...

that's right, you perceptive readers....after i got the spare tire on and the car jacked back down, i realized that the spare tire was *also flat*. what are you supposed to do with a flat spare tire? did i mention that it was nine degrees? i thought so. anyway, i did what any other self respecting tire changer would do in this situation...i called stan's. and, just so you know why i love them so much, i will tell you that they sent a guy out with a portable air filler-upper to my house to fill it back up.

so, with 20 minutes to spare before i had to be at the kindergarten pickup, i had a new tire (with air!) to drive on. go stan's!

the whole time, i was also thinking, thank God that this happened where i could have the kids inside watching sesame street, instead of screaming their faces off on the side of the road in single digits while i jacked up the car.

oh, and so you know, my friend chara told me that there is a thing called fix-a-flat or something, and you can repair a flat without all this mess. stan says it's not great for your tires, though.

Hungry Planet

2008-01-12T11:29:00.001-07:00

i just finished reading this book...anyone else? essentially, the authors visit families in different countries for a week, photographing their life and documenting what each family eats over the course of a week. each family also poses with a weeks worth of food, and there are statistics about each country so that you can somewhat compare. some interesting parts:

how much the food in industrialized countries doesn't actually look like food--that is, they are pictured surrounded by boxes, bottles and packages, and very little that you would recognize as part of a plant or animal. by contrast, in developing nations, sometimes they would have absolutely no prepared food, or a couple of bouillion cubes or something.
how disparate the amount of food available is, depending on where one lives.
how much musk ox meat is eaten by people in greenland...something like 29 lbs per week. per person.
all the different types and parts of animals that are eaten around the world...congealed blood or deep fried scorpion on a stick, anyone?

it was also striking the way that the authors would juxtapose different families...for instance, they did 2 different families living in chad, one who was a refugee family from a neighboring war-torn country, and one a local family. also, there were 3 different families from the US, and how different they were from each other, yet really very similar as compared to the world.

overall, a very interesting, somewhat shocking book...anyone else got a good read to share?

Parenting Curriculum: In the Beginning

2007-12-23T15:55:00.001-07:00

well, i know that all of you out there have been eagerly awaiting the result of my meeting with the pastor at my church about our parenting curriculum. that is, those of you who didn't think that the whole topic was a Big Yawn from the beginning. apparently, i even ended up on the radar of a few ezzo supporters/detractors, as i got some comments from a few new folks--didn't i tell ya this was exciting?

anyway, the process has been slown (slowed? slowen?) by the holidays, first thanksgiving and now christmas, but i do have a few things to report. first of all, i was able to find a few essays by people who were really looking for more structure with a small baby, but not necessarily The Structure put forth in babywise. if you're interested, you can check them out here and here. heck, even if you're not interested, i could use some other eyes to look at them and see if they are overly slanted in one direction or another.

another thing we are thinking about including is a meyers-briggs sort of analysis specifically aimed at parents. i came across the book Motherstyles, which seems to be exactly that, taking the different personality styles and pointing out strengths and challenges for each. i think that opening the class with this could be a good way to help each person navigate which style of parenting may be better suited to them, and why. it also may encourage more understanding among different mothers (this is what i was struck by in reading it), and help to "translate" the intentions (usually good ones) that can be misconstrued between types.

beyond that, we are still on the lookout for a good overarching curriculum if we can find one. we really want it to be focused on themes of parenting like the importance of discipline, grace, spiritual development, and being intentional vs. reactionary. one possibility is a partner to this book, Raising Great Kids, which has several different workbooks for different ages....but i still need to look through it first to see if it fits. still looking for more, if there are other suggestions out there.

one thing that has been a theme among some people i've talked to and/or read online is that they did use the babywise books as a resource or jumping off point for their parenting in the beginning, but then as they were more confident they tended to modify the advice or "do their own thing" entirely. i think this is a very healthy attitude when approaching any so-called expert advice regardless of what book they wrote, because ultimately no one thing will work the best for all people. but, i am also interested to know what ways that parents who used babywise specifically modified it to fit...since this is the one we're replacing, it could help me to understand what topics were helpful from this method and what needed a filter or a modification, or can be left out entirely.

so, ye 2 faithful readers, do you have any advice for me?

Fall's Last Hurrah

2007-11-26T09:01:00.000-07:00

chris made this video of jonathan a while back, but it's taken me this long to figure out the video feature. i'm pretty sure that poaching a neighbor's wireless connection helps, since this weekend i learned that the same program that downloaded for over 4 hours on our dialup connection (and was still unsuccessful) took all of 2 minutes with my parents' highspeed. oh, how we love the dark ages...

anyway, enjoy:

To Light, or Not to Light

2007-11-21T09:13:00.000-07:00

in the spirit of raising issues with high emotional value, i thought i'd throw another one into the ring: when to turn on the christmas lights. knowing how deep this issue goes, it may be the most controversial one yet.

my husband loves to hang christmas lights, and he is great at it. our usual rule is that christmas things don't come out until *after* thanksgiving, unlike most major retailers and just about everyone in the world, apparently. last weekend (at my request, mind you) he hung out our outside lights because we knew we would be travelling, and we wanted to turn them on right after thanksgiving. however, now that the lights were up, the temptation was too great--hangs head in shame--we turned the lights on this week.

so, i ask you, where do you fall on the great christmas light debate?
a.) never before thanksgiving! never! never!
b.) i like to put them up whenever the mood strikes, although i save most things til after.
c.) the sooner the better! i'm a christmas maniac!

Stirrin' Up a Little Controversy

2007-11-15T14:17:00.000-07:00

so, can we talk parenting books for a sec? i know that many of you parents out there have books that you love, and books that you love to hate. at least, those of you who approach life like i do, which is to read any and all material i can get on a subject before making the "big dive in". i did this before getting married, when thinking about starting a family, and of course, once the babies came there were all manner of things to research and think about. i affectionately refer to it as my "obsession phase", the phase directly before i make major life decisions.

anyway, in the process of doing this in the parenting realm, i came to realize just how controversial some of these books can be. who knew, right? i mean, before i got pregnant, i had *no idea* that there was this world of polarized opinions, and every parent has them. i guess it makes sense....parenthood is such a high-stakes endeavor, and everyone is just trying to do their best...but critiquing one book's message can very well offend those who thought those ideas were just right for their family.

all this to say, that no offense is meant to anyone reading who happens to think that the books i'm about to talk about are either a) the best thing that ever happened to their family, a lifesaver, something that should be read by every man, woman and child, or b) the worst, most dangerous batch of misinformed rubbish to ever be hoodwinked over the unsuspecting populace. apparently, there is no middle ground.

i have embroiled myself in the midst of this maelstrom once again, and willingly. our church offers a parenting sunday school class, and like many churches, the curriculum they chose was written by Gary Ezzo. many of the parents out there are familiar with him on some level, as he wrote the wildly popular book "Babywise." (and its many incarnations....seriously, there are about three hundred.) the books are very user friendly, so it's very easy to plug them in to a sunday school curriculum.

however, the books outline a parenting style fairly diametrically opposed to mine, as well as carrying a fair bit of hyperbole about any style that contradicts theirs. there is actually quite a cloud of controversy which i won't bore you with, (if you are interested, you can look here for one side of the debate). but more than that, i wanted to have our church be able to help parents dialogue about this and the many options available, rather than just present one side through this curriculum. as a young mom, i always felt like these books were some kind of moral imperative, but they were *so* far from my understanding of God and my role as a parent that i felt really discouraged and alone. i don't want other young families to feel this way because our church only offers one side of things.

so, i am in the midst of creating an alternative for our church. ideally, this would be a packet of discussion materials that present excerpts from at least two styles of parenting, and possibly more if i can find them. they would be grouped by subject (i.e. sleep, feeding, discipline, etc) and give a starting point for group discussion as well as resources for future research, should the parents want to pursue more information. i don't know if we will keep the ezzo materials because of their inflammatory style, but i would like to find other options that may present a similar parenting style to his so that it is still represtented in the discussion.

which is where you come in. i'm sure there are some reading who really love ezzo's books, and i respect that--in fact, i need your help. do you have any other resources that have helped you, that are similar but not "his"? or, if not, what are the most compelling parts of his system, and the ones that really "clicked"? for those who don't love them, what alternates did you find helpful? and for all...what subjects would be most important to you as far as an overview goes? also, is anyone aware of a meyers-briggs type test that could help parents discern their own parenting style?

and for those of you who aren't parents, feel free to weigh in. we are an equal-opportunity blog. thank you.

The Friendly Cudgel

2007-11-15T14:07:00.000-07:00

well, it has been a while, hasn't it. a big thank you to my loyal readers (all 2 of them), who have mocked me back to the drawing board. apparently, i needed a little kick in the bootay....don't we all. :)

what have i been doing? well, who can say, really. its all the little things of life i suppose... driving back and forth (and back and forth) to kinder and preschool, making halloween happen (the costumes! the pumpkins!), and plotting christmas craftiness. nothing too exciting, and yet they are all the stuff of life, aren't they?

lets see if i can come up with something more interesting....

Pig Roast

2007-10-11T14:45:00.000-06:00

addendum to the previous post on reasons to eat local:

for us, eating locally has meant being a part of our local community supported agriculture (CSA) farm. all summer we have gotten fresh, organic fruits and veggies, and the kids have been able to visit the farm, see chickens, climb trees, and maybe begin to realize where food comes from. (although, the other day nicholas asked what sort of a plant sausage grows on, and i had to break it to him that there's no such thing as a sausage tree.)

as a side benefit, this week the farm hosted their annual pig roast (hence, the sausages), complete with bonfire and tractors for the kids to play on. it was a perfect autumn day, and really exciting to see how many people are connected and fed through this one little farm.

i've posted this link before, but if you are interested in pursuing a CSA in your own community, a great place to start is the website Local Harvest. not only will you connect more deeply with your community and preserve a piece of food security in your region, but you just might start eating better, too.

Eating Local

2007-10-03T18:28:00.000-06:00

our local farmers market sends out an email newsletter each week, and this week had a section that seemed quite timely, given the harvest season and all (hey dad, #8's for you):

Ten Reasons To Buy Local

1. Locally grown food tastes better. Food grown and sold locally is crisp, sweet, and loaded with flavor because it is picked less than 2 days before it reaches your hands. Produce flown or trucked in from California or Chile spends a week or longer in transition from field to plate, enough time for sugars to turn to starches, plant cells shrink, and produce to lose vitality.

2. Local produce is better for you. Studies show that fresh produce loses nutrients quickly once harvested. Food that is frozen or canned soon after harvest is more nutritious than "fresh" produce that spends a week on a truck or supermarket shelf. Locally grown food, purchased soon after harvest, retains its nutrients.

3. Local food preserves genetic diversity. Local farms tend to grow a large variety of plants, instead of only a limited number of varieties that can withstand the harvest and marketing process. This variety provides a harvest all season long, an array of brilliant colors and flavors, as well as preserves the genetic material from hundreds of years of human selection.

4. Local food is GMO-free. Since biotechnology companies currently only license to large factory-style farms, local farmers don't have access to genetically modified seed, and most of them wouldn't use it.

5. Local food supports local farm families. Direct markets, selling directly to consumers, cut out the middleman allowing local farmers to receive the full retail price for their food. With commodity prices at historic lows and farmers getting less than 10 cents of the retail food dollar, supporting local farms mean that farm families can afford to stay on the farm, doing the work they love.

6. Local food builds community. When you buy direct from the farmer, you are re-establishing a time-honored connection between the eater and the grower. Knowing the farmers gives you insight into the seasons, the weather, and the miracle of raising food. Relationships built on understanding and trust can thrive.

7. Local food preserves open space. As the value of direct-marketed fruits and vegetables increases, selling farmland for development becomes less likely. Lush fields of crops, meadows of wildflowers, and wild open landscapes will survive only as long as farms are financially viable. When you buy locally grown food, you are doing something proactive about preserving the agricultural landscape.

8. Local food keeps your taxes in check. Farms contribute more in taxes than they require in services, as opposed to suburban development. On average, for every $1 in revenue raised by residential development, governments must spend $1.17 on services, requiring higher taxes of all taxpayers. For each dollar of revenue raised by farm, forest, or open space, governments spend 34 cents on services.

9. Local food supports a clean environment and benefits wildlife. A well-managed family farm is a place where the resources of fertile soil and clean water are valued and diversity is welcomed. The habitat of a farm, with fields, meadows, woods, ponds and buildings, is the perfect environment for many species of wildlife, including bluebirds, killdeer, herons, bats, and rabbits.

10. Local food is about the future. By supporting local farmers today, you are helping to ensure that future generations will have access to nourishing, flavorful, abundant, farm fresh food

taken from the Sustainable Food Center's website.

Temporary Singledom

2007-09-26T23:04:00.000-06:00

just a little shout out to all you single parents and occasional "business trip widows". chris has been gone since early sunday, and lets just say this week has helped me to not take him for granted. being home with 3 little ones is hard--being home with 3 little ones alone is even harder. and, i don't even have to do it that often! so, kudos to all you uncomplaining masses who deal with this all the time--you have my respect.

Doing the Can Can

2007-09-07T14:58:00.001-06:00

so the last few weeks have been a whirlwind of canning--pots boiling, knives flying, steamy kitchen madness. so far i have processed about 40 pounds of peaches, and probably half that much of apples, with the other half still to go. the apples are not so precise, because they are windfall apples we found along the bike trail, and a few from a willing neighbor. what does that translate into, you ask? well, that would approximately be:

*7 jelly jars of apple butter (+ 1 that broke in the canner)
*8 pint jars of apple sauce
*6 quarts of sliced peaches
*22 jelly jars of peach jam

plus:
3 peach pies, and one for the freezer.
the rest of the apples will likely become more apple butter and maybe some apple pie filling. watch out, martha stewart! (or should that be, laura ingalls?)

ever wondered how to can? it's as easy as boiling water and cutting up fruit, with a few little tricks thrown in. here's a little overview if you're interested...you can always start small and dazzle yourself with homemade goodies along the way.

however, in the interest of full disclosure, i must say that the above amounts do *not* include the 4 quarts of peach jam that i burned late one night during the first round of peaches. chris was very gracious to me and did not remind me that when the recipe says "do not double", that generally it is a good idea not to double it.

He's a Kindergarten Boy

2007-08-21T14:40:00.000-06:00

so, nicholas had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. surprisingly enough, i did not do much bawling, probably because i had gotten it all out of my system the week before when i took him in for his orientation. it helps to get the separation anxiety out of the way early (for mama, that is.) personally, i'm fairly certain that he is the smartest and most well behaved boy in his whole class. probably the cutest, too. :)

we had a good morning, even though the early rising will take us a little getting used to. school starts at 8am, and we pick him back up at 10:55. i made him special "first day of school muffins" (check one for martha), which he had to eat in the car because we were running late (check one for procrastination.) we parked the car about 6 blocks away and walked in, since it was a beautiful sunny morning. such a big boy, carrying his backpack, with new shoes that he tied all by himself (a new skill learned the last week or two.) here's a shot of him walking along--notice the cellphone? (just a foretaste of his teenaged years, perhaps.) grandmom called along the way to say happy first day of school.

and so, we begin a new era with nicholas....hard to believe that he is the very same little boy who taught us how to be a mama and a daddy almost 5 years ago. good job, buddy, we are so proud of the way you are growing up.

Slacktitude

2007-08-19T08:02:00.000-06:00

so, i have been neglecting the blogginess over here...i don't really have an excuse other than it's summertime, and i'm a slacker. this last month has been exciting:

* the end of swimming lessons. the boys had a great time this summer and really learned some swimming skills. neither one can go in the water completely alone yet, but i think with a few more lessons over the winter, by next summer nicholas may be ready to go out on his own. it would be nice to have one independent swimmer--i can't really take them my myself to the pool until i have at least one boy who can survive without my help!

* our 10 year wedding anniversary. it's hard to believe it's been so long! we celebrated with dinner and a movie...and big plans for maybe a weekend away sometime this fall. we've had a good run of it together....

* our first family camping trip with just ourselves. this was super fun--we took the boys up to brainard lake, about an hour up in the mountains from here. it was very beautiful, and we all had a lot of fun. that is, until it rained buckets for over an hour and all our tents and sleeping bags and chairs and warm clothes got soaking wet. fortunately, this happened in the middle of the afternoon, so we had time to evaluate and make a plan. we decided to go home early, and to try to procure more waterproof supplies before the next trip. (we realized after we got home that the tent we borrowed specifically said water *resistant*--not water*proof*, like you'd hope. apparently, this is a tent that one would use only when one doesn't really need a tent.) but, we will definitely go back. i would also have had pictures for you, except our camera broke the week before, and all i could do is take pictures on the camera phone, which i don't have a cord for. so, we'll see if we get that figured out.

* the washing machine broke. (what is it with appliances this week?) if you have seen my previous laundry post, you know that this is no small situation. the guy comes tuesday--wish us luck.

*nicholas had orientation for kindergarten, which starts monday. more on that later.

whew! so, there you have it.

End of an Era

2007-07-27T15:22:00.001-06:00

well, it's official. for the first time in 5.5 years, i am not pregnant, breastfeeding, or pregnant and breastfeeding. that's right, jonathan is officially weaned. he's not too happy, but not sure he remembers exactly what it was he's not happy about....it's the blessing and curse of the 1 year old attention span.

me, on the other hand, i'm ambivalent. as i usually am at big crossroads like this. on one hand, it is really nice to have more freedom and to let someone else take over the nighttime waking, putting-the-baby-to-bed routine. on the other, i am going to miss that sweetness of time together, the way he would look at me while we were nursing, the easy comfort that nursing brings. the funny way he would throw one arm over his eyes. the oh-thank-goodness-i-finally-got-some-milk eyes rolling back in the head.

he's got things to do now, places to go. he can't be stopped for nostalgia.... bye bye, baby. hello, toddler-on-the-road!

He has Wheels!

2007-07-19T14:41:00.000-06:00

so, jonathan has been walking up a storm these days, in the walk walk walk walk BOOM! sense. he took his very first steps on my birthday (happy birthday to me!) and he has been practicing ever since. he is very proud of himself...and i have to say that i had forgotten the cuteness of the little leg-flailing, arms-held-outward gait. when there is a need for speed he will still resort to crawling, but that is getting fewer and farther between. i bet by the end of the month he will be walking full time. it's amazing how fast they learn!

i am going to try to post a video here later, if i can figure it out. stay tuned!

Beware the Kidney Stone

2007-07-09T15:16:00.000-06:00

something you may not want to do for your next saturday: go to the e.r. to pass a kidney stone. that's right, no longer the domain of old men or sedentary meat-eaters, ye olde kidney stone came to visit me this weekend while i was minding my own business. let me tell you, not such a fun time.

side note to the young woman who was working the front desk at the urgent care: maybe it would be best to confine your personal phone calls to times when there isn't someone in your waiting room writhing in pain and vomiting.

off to drink more water....

Seasonal Food by State

2007-06-27T14:01:00.000-06:00

just thought i'd share this link as a corollary to the post from yesterday: Sustainable Table has a listing of the food that each state produces and shows when each item is in season. this way, you can tell if those groceries you are buying are actually fresh, and not shipped from halfway around the world. the site also has a summary of reasons why local and sustainable agriculture and meat farming is so important, as well as shopping guides to help you find these things in your own neighborhood or state. i haven't looked through the whole thing yet...maybe there are even more treasures there i don't know about!

additionally, this website gives an eye opening and thoroughly disenheartening list of grocery store brands that contain genetically modified ingredients. i had *no idea* how widespread this was.

Local Food

2007-06-26T13:35:00.000-06:00

this has been an exciting month in the estoll household for food. as i mentioned before, we have made a commitment for our family to refrain from buying factory-produced meat, which for us has meant a vegetarian diet for the most part (grass fed or wild meat is out of our price range for now.) what i haven't talked much about, though, is our foray back into the world of csa membership.

for those of you who don't know, csa stands for "community supported agriculture." essentially, people buy a share in a farm in the early spring, providing the farmer with start up funds for planting. then, as the growing season progresses, each person receives a share of the harvest. the beauty of this system is that the small, local farmer has a stable source of income, rain or shine, and the shareholder gets not only fresher, more flavorful and varied produce, but also the chance to see first hand who it is growing the food they are eating. and, for my kids, a chance to chase chickens and play with the kid-sized tractor every week when we pick up the share.

this summer, we somehow stumbled into having 2 shares at 2 different farms. the first one we planned on--its the same farm we had a fruit share with 2 summers ago before the whole Greeley Debacle. this year, we wanted to get a veggie share in addition to the fruit, but it was sold out...so we decided to go with just the fruit again. but then, my friend joanna, who had gotten a veggie share at a different farm, asked me if we wanted to split hers, because she was getting way more food than her family could eat. yeehaw! so, now we get to go on a field trip to the farm for the fruit share each week, plus every thursday i have an excuse to have a coffee date while we split up the goods from joanna's share.

it's also exciting because i have been learning how much of a negative impact eating food that has been trucked, flown, or otherwise shipped has on the environment, not to mention the quality of the food. eating produce grown by anne the farmer down the street allows me to not only support her business, thus keeping local economies thriving, but also blesses my family with healthier, tastier, and ultimately safer food. check out this link for 10 Reasons to Eat Local Food.

in case you were wondering, csa's are in just about every community across the nation, and many who don't will at least have a farmer's market nearby. for a look into how many farms and farmers markets are near you , check out localharvest.org. happy eating!

Preschool is Over, and other summer adventures

2007-06-11T15:51:00.001-06:00

nicholas' last day of preschool was last week, and summer has officially begun. i didn't really think about it much until the last day, but that also means that by the end of the summer, he will be A Kindergartener. that sounds really big. but, for now, it's summer vacation, and so far it's been great.

we also went berry picking last week with friends laura and hayden, and made jam with our haul. nicholas was very cute with his apron on, standing on a stool to stir the jam over the stove. jonathan did his best to eat all the strawberries in sight, and daniel was very concerned to know, 'is this one red? is this one red?' little did i know how worrisome it would be when i told him to make sure he only picked the red ones.

the wednesday night bible study that i have been a part of for the last few years is studying a book by larry crabb (The Pressure's Off), and while i'm not too crazy about the book itself, i feel like i am learning some lessons through what he's writing--the most important of which, that just because something is hard, painful, or suffering is coming as a result, doesn't mean that you are not following God's will. and, sometimes surrendering to the feeling of being out of control or suffering or discontent, and not trying to 'feel better' right away, creates enough space for God to do the work that the heart needs.

i feel like God has given me a reprieve from the distress i was feeling a few weeks ago. i feel so much more peace with where i am in life, and my role in my kids' lives. maybe i am just the kind who needs a 'nervous breakdown' to reset my internal priorities. whatever it is, i feel like God is honoring my decision to 'hang in there' with this season at home with my kids, and giving me an extra dose of precious, memory moments with my kids. thanks for that.

long live summer!

Jonathan Turns One

2007-06-10T21:37:00.000-06:00

today is jonathan's birthday--our baby is now one! it seems hard to believe that a year has passed already. jonathan is such a ray of sunshine in our family. he brightens up any room he comes in to with his huge smile and his outgoing personality. he knows no stranger, and makes everyone his friend. what a blessing he is to us!

for the celebration, we had grame, grandpa, and grandmom with us (grandad was in mexico for a mission trip.) we had popcorn and smoothies (some of jonathan's faves), and then baskin robbins clown cones for dessert. (anyone remember those when you were a kid?) what a big hit!

nicholas and daniel helped pick out presents for the birthday boy, and they were super excited to have him open them. i managed to finish a hoody towel just in the nick of time....alligator flavor, so now all the brothers have one.

brothers are great! happy birthday, brother #3!

Capitalism

2007-05-31T08:06:00.000-06:00

my dad and i were having a discussion about capitalism a while back, and i was trying to explain why i thought that capitalism was a harmful and exploitive force to many people, especially in developing countries. not that i want to be communist, just that i don't think that capitalism is necessarily "christian" or more virtuous than other forms of commerce. and, in fact, many times it harms one person in order to bring cheap goods to another person. (i.e. sweatshops in china so that walmart can sell me cheap stuff.)

however, i am not all that eloquent, and so i found a post on No Impact Man's blog about this very subject, and he talks about how capitalism in it's purest form allowed one person's altruistic idea to benefit himself and others buy selling a needed item (benefitting those who buy it) at a profit (benefitting him.) this is what i think that my dad was trying to say, that capitalism is positive when used this way. right now in our country, however, much of our consumerism is a negative form of capitalism, where most of our needs are already met, so the market tries to create artificial "needs" in order to sell us stuff. the newest cellphone. the fastest computer. the biggest house. benjamin barber wrote an article for the l.a. times that says it much more eloquently than i can.

a way forward from this gluttonous cycle could be to turn our capitalistic market towards fulfilling some real global needs. instead of marketing botox, market malaria medicine. instead of selling a bigger gas grill for the yard, create clean water systems for a third world market. creating inexpensive, useable items for developing countries benefits those with little money, and using those same resource-conserving items could benefit wealthier nations who are beginning to realize that they need to make changes in the amount of energy they consume. read no impact man's post here.

so, dad, this one's for you.

Fair Weather Vegetarian

2007-05-29T23:08:00.000-06:00

so, i am just about done with john robbins' book "the food revolution". in it, he gives a lot of compelling arguments for why a vegetarian diet makes sense not only from a health standpoint, but also from the perspective of environmental sustainability.

most people know that eating more vegetables is good for you, but i had never really stopped to think about the effect that factory farming has on the environment. i sent chris a link to the article, "vegetarian is the new prius", and after reading that and watching a link to meat.org (which he said that i shouldn't watch, because it would make me cry), he is on board as well. what we have decided for our family is that we will eat vegetarian at home, and when we are at restaurants, and if possible, at other's homes as well. but, if we are at someone's home where there isn't a vegetarian option, we will eat what is available. and, i still have a few things in the freezer that we will use up, rather than waste. mostly, we are deciding that as far as our food dollars go, we are no longer going to support the factory farm system. thus, the 'fair weather vegetarian.'

now, before you get all worried that i've gone completely ga ga here, let me just say that i am not saying that i think it's somehow morally wrong to eat meat. i think that God gave us many good things to eat, meat being one of them. if i could afford to buy locally produced, small farmed meat, or if i had access to meat that was hunted in the wild, i would eat that without qualms. and, there are times when i will be able to afford sustainably harvested seafood, and we will probably buy that occasionally. the monterey bay aquarium has a seafood watch program, which monitors the status of fishing and helps decipher what fish is a good choice and which ones are overfished or farmed in harmful ways. they also have a little wallet card that makes knowing what to buy much easier.

however, that said, i do think that our typical diet in america is pretty meat-heavy, and i am beginning to realize that there are many ramifications of that, not only on a personal level, but also collectively as a nation. from a peace-and-justice standpoint, there is a lot to link our (and other wealthy nations') consumption of meat with some of the ways that poorer nations suffer. meat is cheap in our country, so we eat a lot of it. but, there was a time not too long ago when meat was a luxury--probably a good way to approach it even now.

on a positive note, this exploration has caused me to find some fun resources for vegetarian cooking. i already have the blog "vegan lunchbox" linked to the left of my blog, which is a website full of super fun lunch food. and unless you are worried that veg food is all hippy and health foody, i have also come across the cookbook "vegan with a vengeance" and the accompanying website the post punk kitchen, essentially full of vegetarian junk food, like lots of cupcakes.

so, what do you think? are you willing to make changes to what you are eating for the good of others, the environment, your own health? do you think it makes a difference?

New Beginnings

2007-05-14T13:57:00.000-06:00

well, the lilacs are blooming all around our yard, the first spring that we have spent in our new house. spring is my favorite season, and lilacs are my favorite flower. they last for just an instant it seems, but while they are here you can't help but notice them. i have to say, there are times when i identify with that sort of drama.

we spent a lot of this weekend in the car, driving through wyoming to my cousin jennifer's wedding. it was nice to have a change of scenery, and this has got to be the prettiest time of year to drive through wyoming. just miles and miles of green, rolling grassland. the children slept, and the grownups got a chance to talk to each other. just what the doctor ordered.

also this weekend, grandpa and great-grandpa estoll spent some time working on putting up a playset in our backyard. chris found it on craigslist for free--someone had just moved in and the previous owners left the set in their backyard. gotta love that. when we got back, the kids were so excited to climb and slide (and spy over the neighbors fence).

jonathan, not to be outdone, has taken to standing unassisted, sometimes for up to 30 seconds at a time. he put on quite a show for the family, many of whom were meeting him for the first time at the wedding. i wouldn't be too surprised if he started walking before his birthday...a boy has to keep up with his brothers somehow.

and so, life goes on. we have a good life.

Photo credit: Flickr/ladyLara

Ugly

2007-05-08T23:57:00.000-06:00

**warning**do not read this if you wish to think that motherhood is always rosy and gay***

i can't fall asleep, which is a rare occurrence these days. normally, i crash into bed and steal as many hours (minutes) as i can before i am awakened by someone who needs me. but tonight i think there are just too many thoughts for my mind to shut off yet.

motherhood does not come naturally to me. don't get me wrong, i love my kids, i am grateful for the chance to be home with them when they are young, i think that it is valuable to have a parent be a primary caretaker for these early years and our family has made sacrifices to have that happen. however, i am not one who dreamed of being a mom from the time i was young, or thought that i would be perfectly suited for staying home...it kind of just happened.

and so i go through these phases. i've mentioned before about the momentary panic i feel after the birth of each child, that feeling of "i've got to get out of here!" that strikes and motivates me to look into all sorts of (unfinished) grand schemes for other diversions. grad school. spanish language. this blog, even.

today, i wish that i could go to work. to do what? i don't know. i don't have a career or a path that is laid out to follow, i just wish that i did. not all the time, just a little, a few hours a day, a few days a week. something to ease the constant pressure of being the only fulcrum in the spinning world of my children's chaos. is it really so terrible to have other people be involved with my children's lives, to watch them occasionally while we parents pursue other things? is the nuclear family, one parent home, one parent working, really the only way to turn out well adjusted, respectful, thoughtful children?

i worry that by the time i finally get to the point of viably being able to follow any dreams beyond the four walls of my house, that i will be unable to remember what they were, or who the person was who did the dreaming. that i will be so consumed by this all-consuming job that there will be nothing left of me outside of it.

i used to be smart. i used to be good at what i did, with fresh ideas and a passion for learning. is it petty and selfish to want to be that again? probably. but i miss that girl. i miss the "me" outside of anyone else's needs or wants, the me who was my own person and not constantly someone elses someone. i'm tired. i'm so tired. i need to breathe. i need to breathe without feeling like i am clawing for every breath that i take.

everyone says that being a mom is the best, most important job out there. and then, they move on to the next thing. everyone says it, but not many people want to do it, i mean really do it. everyone gives it lip service because that is the "correct" thing to say, but when it gets down to the nitty gritty of the ugly, hard days, no one really wants to know about that. there are not many people who can honestly say they will roll up their sleeves and jump in when someone needs saving. it's the most important job out there. now lets talk about something *interesting.*

so, do i just suck it up and wait for the phase to pass? or do i look to see what is coming next? and if so, how do i know what the next thing is? is looking for something that will benefit me the act of a completely selfish and self-absorbed person, or will the effects of more room for me to breathe have benefits for the rest of my family, too?

do i pray for more contentment where i am, or do i pray for the courage to make a change?

Forgiveness

2007-05-03T13:46:00.000-06:00

sometimes, God really uses my kids to illustrate to me why He says that the faith of a child is something for all us grown ups to strive for.

the other day, i was feeling rushed and nicholas was not listening *quite* as fast as i wanted him to, so i was harsh with him on the way out the door. after we got where we were going, (and i'd had a chance to think a minute), i realized that i had been wrong to be so harsh to him. so, before getting out i pulled him aside and told him i'd been wrong, and asked if he would forgive me. without a second thought, he gave me a hug and said "i love you, mama." and that was that. no grudges, no making sure i really *knew* how wrong i had been, just instant forgiveness.

i have so much to learn.

Blue Sock in Aisle 9

2007-04-12T14:46:00.000-06:00

can any of you mothers out there relate to this?

last summer, when jonathan was a few months old, i was out running errands with him and trying to get to the bank before it closed. it was a hot day, and i had put him in the sling so my hands would be free, but realized as i got him out that i had left his hat at home. those of you who hang out with me at parks know that i am a bit of a hat-nazi (i get it from my mother), and the children are very rarely outside our front door without a hat of some kind on their head, rain, snow, sleet, or dead of night. however, on this day in my rush, i had left the hat at home, and so i shielded the baby's eyes from the bright sun with my hand as i walked in.

on the way out, i am crossing the parking lot to the car when an older woman in a large SUV slows down and rolls down the window. thinking that she is stopping to make a comment about my Adorable Baby, i slow down and smile at her. however, instead of saying something along the lines of "what a beautiful child you have, you must be so lucky", she yells out her window "Put a hat on that baby!" and drives away. i am so flabbergasted i can barely move.

now, this is not an indictment on anyone who thinks that babies should have hats on, because i do too. really what got me was this stranger's audacity to throw that comment at me and run--a comment that i can only assume was meant to shame me into changing my behavior. and the irony of it all was that if she knew me even a *little* bit, she would know that the comment was unnecessary. since when is rudeness and shame an acceptable way to relate to anyone, let alone a stranger, a new mom, someone who could maybe just use a break now and then? i mean, obviously it worked, because months later i still remember it, but really, at what cost to human decency?

now, flash to the other day, at the supermarket with the kids. we are all in the checkout line after managing to get everything on the list (i think), when i looked down to realize that jonathan had taken his sock off. Again. this child is obsessed with his sock. i quickly scan the 3 aisles i can see from where i'm standing--no sock. i am unwilling to leave the line to go look for it...the older children are already riding the horse in the waiting area and the baby's on his last hunger pang before letting the world know how i starve him to death--a 3 time hand-me-down sock is not worth the trouble. so, i take off the other one to avoid losing it too and try to finish up as quickly as possible.

but, i can't help thinking on the way out...what if someone sees the baby's naked toes, will they think i am a terrible, neglectful mother? is there another woman lurking around the corner, ready to send a zinger of shame my way?

so, maybe all this to say, wouldn't it be nice if we could cut each other a little slack now and then (and maybe even ourselves)? i mean, if we as mothers can't support one another in this all-consuming endeavor, pray tell me, who can?

and, if you happen to see a sock in aisle 9, it's probably mine.

No Impact Man

2007-04-09T15:13:00.000-06:00

so, i have been seeing this guy around the internet, and apparently he is getting a lot of press in other areas, too. its a guy and his family in NYC who are trying a year long experiment to lower their net environmental impact to zero, doing such crazy things as composting their waste, creating no garbage, and eating only locally produced foods. all from their tiny new york apartment. check it out, it's an interesting read, often funny, too... No Impact Man. makes me wonder what other things i could be doing in my relatively spacious situation.....

Cloth Diaper Madness

2007-04-02T15:38:00.000-06:00

a couple of days ago, i sent a massive email to my friend kim (hi kim!), who was asking questions about using cloth diapers. as most of you know, we have used cloth diapers since nicholas was born 4.5 years ago, and with a few exceptions (such as the weeks following the birth of a new baby, etc), have used them for the vast majority of our diapering. since it was such a massive email, (and i felt alternately cool that i actually wrote it all down, and lame to think that i spent the time to write it all down), i though i would post it here in case anyone ever asked me again. that way, i wouldn't have to face the cool/lame continuum again, at least about this. so, here it is, for your viewing pleasure:

"this is our system:

3 dozen chinese prefolds (this is enough for 2 kids if you wash every couple days)
6-8 breathable covers (i like the motherease brand with the snaps--called "airflow" i think)
a dozen or so pins
any old bin with a snapping cover, i am using some random storage ones i got at target because they were cheap and small, with a handle.
our system is pretty low-tech, as far as diapers go. if you spend any time looking at cloth diapers online, you will soon be inundated with all the choices and levels of fanciness that are available to you. since we started doing this mainly for the cheapness factor, ours is a pretty plain system.

*the diapers* --if you decide to go a similar route to us, the important thing to look for in prefolds is that they say "diaper service quality (dsq)" or "chinese prefolds". this means that they are thicker and more absorbent, as opposed to the more flimsy ones you sometimes see in walmart or babies r us, etc. here is where we bought ours, a dozen unbleached is $25.95: Choosey Diapers.
our boys never graduated to toddler size, and the infant size is only useful for about the first 3 months, and then later as a doubler for nighttime. the vast majority of the time is spent in the middle size.

this site also has lots of other options and info on cloth diapers, so feel free to look around. the other thing about the diapers, and this is true regardless of what kind you get, is that before you use them you have to wash them several times in Scalding Hot Water. seriously. boiling would be even better. there are oils in the cotton that will shed water (not good in a diaper), so you have to wash these out before you can use them. most of the time, whatever company you buy from will send instructions for the first washing. if you follow them and they still don't absorb, just stick them in a big pot and boil them on the stove before using. you'll be able to tell, because once they are dry again, you will either see water soak in (try it at the sink), or you will see it run off.

*the covers*--when we started, we were going mega-cheap so i used the oldfashioned plastic pants that you can get at walmart and places like that. i soon hated them quite a bit. the ones that i have liked are from a company called motherease. they are waterproof and breathable, and they are much easier to take on and off without getting poop everywhere (bonus!) here's the covers we use: Motherease Airflow Covers
these are quite a bit more than the plastic pants, but worth it to me. they have lasted for all 3 children, but you do need to get a few different sizes. i think we got the small (infant), medium (jonathan has almost outgrown these, probably would have if daniel weren't using the next size up still) and med-large (daniel is still in these). this will all depend on the sizes of your kids, of course. daniel is on the small side, and jonathan is ginormous. :) you don't need to get all the sizes upfront, just get whatever you need and add on. how many you get depends on how much you wash (more on that later).

*pins*--we use them. i will tell you, they seem scary at first, but you get the hang of them very quickly. there are other options besides pins, but they are often going along with more expensive diapers, or else i couldn't get them to stay put as well.

*pail*--we use a very simple pail, that's pretty small. some of this is because of my washing system...i don't use a wet pail, and so i don't need to be as worried about a child knocking it over. also, we've never really had a problem with them playing with it, we just teach them early on not to touch. also, i wash every couple of days, so i don't need as many diapers. this helps with the smell issue too...if they start to smell, it's probably time to wash. now, i don't think that cloth will ever be as smell-free as those hermetically sealed diaper genie things, but then again, those things won't biodegrade. ever. if you notice a problem, you could always go for one of those real live Diaper Pails that are sold on the diapering websites, some even have deodorizing tablets and such. but, i haven't found a need for them.

*washing*--there are probably as many systems for washing as there are people doing the wash, but here is an outline of what i do. keep in mind my lackadaisical attitude toward some of the more "official" ways of doing things, as above.

first, i don't dunk diapers in the toilet. ever. my position is that if i have to touch the poop, i am not going to do it. also, i figure that the washing machine is a miracle tool, so i might as well use it. so, i have come to this system: if the baby is entirely breastfed, the diaper can go into the pail as-is, because the poop is not very solid and will soak out later in my process. if the baby has some solids, or is a toddler, the poop is more solid and so i shake off whatever will come off into the toilet, and put the diaper in the pail. also, i generally re-use one cover throughout the day if it's just wet, and if it gets poop on it, then it goes into the pail too and i get a new one. usually, they get a new cover first thing in the morning because the overnight one is so wet and stinky.

with nicholas, this shaking policy worked just fine because he always had solid ones. daniel threw us for a loop because his are less solid, so then i was faced with the dilemma of having to deal too intimately with the poop by scraping with t.p. or something, or just putting it in the pail and trying to soak more. this varied based on my mood. lets hope you are never faced with this choice! :) that said, there are many contraptions out there for scraping/spraying/dunking the poop off...so if you are interested, look around.

because of my no-dunking policy, i do a longer soak. i figure that the machine is up to the challenge, but may need my help now and then. so, once the pail is full, i throw everything in the wash and fill it to the top on cold. don't overfill the washer, no more than 2 dozen or so at a time. i rinse and drain it once (twice if there is some gnarly poop, see above). then, i fill it again with warm water and 2 scoops of oxyclean. i usually leave this to soak overnight. in the morning, i drain the water again (so they don't wash in dirty water) and then i do a long wash cycle on hot water with some tide detergent and more oxyclean. then, into the dryer, or on better days, onto the clothesline. which leads to my next point....

cloth diapers will stain. this is a fact of life, and if you washed them well and they smell fresh, does not mean that they are still dirty. if you are worried about it, you can bleach them white again, but this shortens the life of the diaper (not to mention the scariness of bleach on the environment). another option is to hang them in the sun, which gets just about all of the stains out. that said, i do occaisionally bleach the diapers if they are still stinky after washing, like less than 2x per year, or if someone has been particularly sick. sometimes, they just need a little touch up.

i use cloth when i'm out and about (church, cbs, shopping, etc.), and just use plastic grocery sacks to store the wet ones in until i can get them home. however, if i'm going to be gone on a trip, or out all day, then i use disposables as a backup. also, when we were having so much trouble with daniel's digestion last summer and he was having diahrea constantly. but, for the most part, the system i described can do just about all situations.

*overnight*--i find that cloth diapers leak much less often than disposables. i can usually get them on more snugly with the pins than i can disposables, and i usually tuck the extra fabric in around their legs when i put them on, which helps hold things in more. that said, there comes a point with each child when i have needed to "double up". for nicholas, he was close to 2yrs, with jonathan it was about 5 months, and with daniel, i still haven't had to. all doubling means is that i lay an infant sized diaper inside the regular one, and fold it all together when i pin. then they have a really mondo-diaper-butt! :) if i didn't have the infant size, i would use another diaper, or if that was too big, even a washcloth would work. using this, i have never had them leak through, unless some of the diaper was poking out of the cover somewhere. (i forgot to tell you that...make sure to tuck everything in, because any little spot poking out will cause the water to wick onto the clothes.)

i have used the same 3 dozen diapers for all 3 kids. i am just now looking to replace them, because they are disintegrating (i keep pulling handfulls of lint out of the linttrap in the dryer). however, this is not bad for the initial $75! and, while i do end up doing more laundry, it's really only 2 or 3 loads in a week, not outrageous, and this is with 2 in diapers. with one, your work will be less."

World Water Day

2007-03-20T15:13:00.000-06:00

i was reading on some other blogs, and one came up saying that this thursday (march 22) is world water day. never heard of it. but, apparently, it's been around a while. it was started back in the 90's as a vehicle to raise awareness for the over *1 billion* people who live with unsafe water supplies. that's over 20% of the world's population. and a vast majority of those who die from the lack of safe drinking water are under the age of 5.

so, this gives me pause as i turn on the tap in my home to get my children a drink of water. municipally treated, sanitary water from the mountains in my backyard, which i then extra-added-bonus filter before giving to them. wow.

photo credit: flickr/Michael_N

All Hail the Tooth!

2007-03-12T14:23:00.000-06:00

well, it's been a while since i've posted, mainly because this is week 3 of the continuing Sick Children Saga. it started 2 weeks ago with daniel running a high fever, followed by nicholas in "the fever, part two" (and not to be outdone by his brother, a hefty cold to go with it) and seems to be petering out this week with jonathan sporting the same fever, and a wicked cough to boot.

however, we realized one other reason for jonathan's miserable and pitiful demeanor, and that is that he has finally cut his first tooth! which, as anyone who remembers (or has children who do), this is a very painful process. hence the constant crying and need to be held. he seems to be much better today, almost back to his smiley self. now, if he would just choose to have his fever spike at some time other than the middle of the night, maybe we could all get some sleep....

hopefully, pictures to follow soon...

Laundry Monster

2007-02-28T15:13:00.000-07:00

a few weeks back, i counted the amount of laundry i do in a week. this includes everything--clothes, towels, sheets, diapers, the works. the total was 12 loads...and i mean Full Loads. no wimpy "extra small cycle" here. we're talking Heavy Duty Extra Large Cycle.

now, granted, we do wash our own cloth diapers, but those only account for 2 of the loads per week. not that much. the rest is just normal, household laundry. i ask you, do we just have an insane amount of clothing? are we some kind of crazy laundry hedonists? how in the world do we make all this stuff? and how, pray tell, do i keep up with it??

so, i want to know about laundry. your system, your philosophy, your advice. thank goodness summer is coming...i can just throw the boys out back and hose them off. (just kidding.) (mostly.)

Photo credit: Flickr/Rigmarole

Book Mooch

2007-02-21T14:50:00.000-07:00

so i came across this website in my internet travels, and it looks pretty cool. it's called Book Mooch, and from the looks of it, it is a site where people list their books for trade and post wish lists for books they are looking for. when you add your books to the list, you get certain points which you can then redeem for another book that someone else has listed. i haven't tried it yet, but it looks like a neat alternative to buying books or checking them out from the library. since, as you learned in my previous post, i am not always good at avoiding library fines. guess i oughta check this site out.

anyone ever used it? have any other nifty sites to share?

Jumpstart My Car

2007-02-15T14:26:00.001-07:00

so, it's 16 degrees outside and i have just managed to get all 3 kids dressed, in coats, and out the door. not to mention the 2 diaper bags, my CBS lesson (actually finished!) and lunch for all of us, since we have to go straight from CBS to preschool with a little lunch in between. as soon as they are all in the car, i try to turn on the engine and realize It. Won't. Start. not even the little rrrr-rrrr-rrrrr sound when it is trying to turn over. just a pathetic little *click*. after calling everyone i think could be around and coming up empty, i manage to con a neighbor into coming over and giving me a jump, and 30 minutes later we are finally on our way. did i mention that it is 16 degrees?

not only that, but the baby is sick, i am sick, and i just don't have much in the way of humor to face this situation. which leads me to what i now want to put on my birthday list: the portable jump start device.

if i wasn't so tired and cranky, i might be able to formulate some philisophical reason why this would not be a good idea, something about relying more on God to provide what i need (like a neighbor with a car) or being too caught up with needing to feel self-sufficient rather than going more with the flow. however, i am tired and cranky, so i just *want one.*
the end.

When Was Your Last Tetanus Shot?

2007-02-11T14:48:00.000-07:00

so, we made it though day 2 of the basement caper (relatively) unscathed, and if it weren't for the pesky nailgun shooting a hole in the waterpipe at 8pm, a fairly uneventful day. my right hand was feeling a little left out last week apparently, (when i got a black fingernail on the left ring finger in the first 30 minutes of working), so it decided to add to the drama by impaling itself on a nail. minor flesh wound, as far as i can tell. this home-improvement stuff isn't for sissies.

now all we need is for a benign inspector-type to sign off on the work, and we are on to chapter 3: Drywall Waits for No (Wo)Man.

Grocery Exile

2007-02-07T07:58:00.000-07:00

in my previous post, i detailed the ways in which money does not grow on trees on the estoll property. as a result of this, i have been looking at cutting discretionary spending, the biggest category of which is the grocery budget. at times like this, i have done this little game i call 'grocery exile'. basically, i plan meals as much as possible around the staples we already have in the house, instead of what i usually do--which is, what sounds good to eat? (not that the things i make this way don't sound good to eat, just that it isn't the first consideration.)

so, we have 3 lbs of brown rice and no noodles? then, stir fry extravaganza. have a bunch of orphaned veggies left over from previous meal plans? veggie soup. feel like grilling pork chops, but the only meat in the freezer is cooked turkey? ok, turkey rice casserole it is. also, it helps to get things used up and cleaned out...for example, it seems like the tail end of the cereal boxes seem to linger on forever, once a new (and thus, more exciting) flavor has made its appearance. during grocery exile, new things don't make appearances, so the old stuff has to be used up (or, face a cereal-less breakfast existence....sad, sad day.)

this has also led me to thinking a lot about the freedom i normally have to buy whatever food i want, whenever want it. within reason, of course, since i don't get to have sushi once a week, but you get the picture. i am easily able to cook a balanced and filling meal for my family, as often as i want to (and sometimes, more often than i want to.) having a month or 2 of grocery exile can be good for the gratitude meter, if i allow myself to think in those terms, rather than, "poor me, i can't buy any new meat this month." even during exile, we still have plenty to fill our plates.

the usda puts out a report each month on the cost of food and how much it takes to feed different family sizes. the most recent one for december 2006 is posted here. according to their calculations, in order to feed a family of 5 (2 adults, 3 kids under 5) on the 'thrifty plan', it takes about $505 per month, which averages out to be a little under $120 a week. which on paper seems like a lot, but even when i'm on grocery exile, it is a struggle to come in under $100.

so, where do you fall? anyone have any good, frugal tips for those times in the wilderness?

Photo credit: Flickr/Camo's pics

15 Words or Less

2007-02-06T13:56:00.000-07:00

well, hello again, my woefully neglected blog. it has been a more-insane-than-usual few weeks, and so, it has been awhile. thanks to christy (not me!), for giving me a little kick in the boo-tay. thanks for noticing, christy. ;)

so, last we heard from the intrepid little band of estolls, we were transitioning back into the world of gluten. so far, so good. there was a while there that i was getting paranoid about the diapers again, but chris suggested that we keep a food-and-poop-log, and since then things have seemed pretty normal. so, probably he just had a little stomach ick for a couple of days when i was feeling worried. this makes a good 3 weeks that we've been back with gluten, and it seems to be fine. which is a relief, for sure. hopefully the f.a.p. log will continue to work its magic.

thomas the tank engine made his debut this week as a home-wrecker, when he decided to fly through the air and straight into the picture window in the living room. this, of course, had nothing to do with the children who at the time were running circles around the couch ottoman. this left a large star-shaped crack in the bottom of the pane, which has since then snaked all the way up and across the window to the opposite corner, and is now covered in duct tape because i am convinced with every gust of wind that the whole thing is going to come shooting into the living room and impale the nearest man, woman, or child. never mind that the temperatures last week had highs in the single digits. so, our neighbors love the new ghetto look, but we are still looking for options to replace or repair the window.

this weekend also marked the beginning of The Basement Room Caper--my dad and i are donning our toolbelts once again to finish the 3rd bedroom downstairs. (the picture to the right is from our previous escapade in the basement of our last house, but you get the idea.) this will allow us to move the 2 older boys into that room and free up the 2nd bedroom upstairs for jonathan, which in turn will allow us to have more than a 12 inch walkway around the furniture in the master bedroom. oh, and to move the diaper station out of the living room. however, the weekend began with the disadvantage of being decidedly NOT underbudget nor ahead of schedule. which led to some less-than-loving days with the hubby. but, we have put that all behind us now, and we are plunging valiantly onward. you can even ask chris.

on another front, i have been putting in more hours at the DAPP office where i work, in an attempt to stem the flow of money-hemmorrage that has been happening of late. (see thomas, and caper, above.) which is why i have not been keeping up here too well. anyway, wish me luck.

the good news is that on friday the groundhog saw his shadow, so spring should be just around the corner.

Gluten Love

2007-01-24T08:28:00.000-07:00

well, daniel is adjusting just fine to his new gluteny-status. he announces to everyone at mealtime that "doctor said i can eat glu-ten!" we are all glad to have the gluten box come up from the basement (full of food that i couldn't bear to just throw away when we started this 4 months ago.) our pantry has about doubled. and so far, no ill effects....

Good News! So, why do I feel like crying?

2007-01-22T14:05:00.000-07:00

well, we all went back to the specialist doctor today to get the results of the labs. daniel was negative for the genetic marker for celiac, and had no gluten antibodies (which could have been because he hasn't eaten gluten since september, but it was still a good thing) and so was i. chris had one of the two genetic markers, but since his antibodies were also negative, she wasn't concerned with that. so, apparently there is only a 1% chance that daniel could still have celiac in the absence of those markers. good news! she told us to go ahead and put him back on a regular diet, and to watch him for signs that he is having trouble, but chances are very good that whatever the problem was last summer, it is not celiac disease.

so, why am i not dancing in the streets? of course i was relieved that daniel will not have to live with such a restrictive diet his whole life, and that none of the rest of us will either. as long as he continues to do fine, the problem seems to have solved itself. but, i also didn't feel as happy as i expected to. i don't know if i had just been preparing myself for the news to be different for so long, or what, but i feel confused and let down, and worried that there may be something else entirely going on that we don't know what it is. not that he is sick right now, just that he could be if we go back to how things were--but this time, without the celiac diagnosis to pin it on. i know, tomorrow has enough worries of its own, without me worrying them all up front.

but also feeling like all this time, energy and effort that i have been putting in these last 4 months, not to mention the expense and extra planning, was all just a big waste. did i just colossally overreact? is it possible that the sickness went away when we took out gluten just because of a coincidence? that makes me feel kind of stupid or crazy, like "those moms" who are convinced that every little thing that happens to their kid is some big emergency.

this is apparently the hardest good news that i've ever had to hear.

tonight for dinner we are having homemade whole wheat bread, and cake. with lots of gluten.

Gluten-free resources

2007-01-16T14:38:00.000-07:00

on sunday all of us went out to eat with chris' parents (colorado natives now), and we went to our favorite restaurant in louisville, The Huckleberry. think breakfast restaraunt meets high tea, if you can. it is always an interesting experience these days, since living glutenless, because usually most everything in a restaurant is either made with gluten or has touched something that is. however, there are always pleasant surprises, and this time our waitress had a relative with celiac, so i didn't have to go through any descriptive demands for how daniel's meal needed to be prepared. not that i am very good at that yet, but i am practicing. then, there's always the possibility that the tests will come back negative next week.

anywhoo, in the meantime, i am still in the process of gathering info (of course i am), and recently came across a post in a blog called [gluten free] goddess (see link on the left) where she writes out in a very comprehensive way all the different ways she substitutes for gluten when she cooks--seemed like a lot of good info, so i thought i'd share it here.

Crawling!

2007-01-09T14:37:00.000-07:00

'nuf said.

Blood Test Number One

2007-01-08T21:11:00.000-07:00

....and hopefully the last. today we (and by "we" i mean the whole family...) went to see a specialist about daniel's possible celiac disease, to ask questions and to begin the process of formal diagnosis. for the last 3.5 months that we have been feeding him a gluten-free diet, we have suspected that celiac could be the answer, but haven't pursued the testing necessary to make sure. as to why we waited so long, well, for that you will have to ask the insurance companies.

anyway, in many ways it was a relief to finally be on the road to knowing for sure what is going on and the details of what his treatment will be. we began this after getting some half-information from our family doctor and filling in the gaps with my own research (and realizing that in many ways we have done this backwards--and may pay for that later....our family doc recommended taking gluten out of his diet *before* we did any testing, and we now know that if someone has been on a gluten-free diet, the tests can come back falsely negative, so we may have to re-introduce gluten for a while to get an accurate result.)

however, for the record, spending the morning with all 3 boys in the doctors office, followed by a trip to the lab for a blood draw is a very exhausting propostition. if chris hadn't been there, i don't think we would have made it. they all did very well, considering, but having to be quiet and still for 3 hours is a lot to ask of 3 active boys. and daniel, bless his heart, was very brave for the blood draw, but taking 3 vials of blood from a 2.5 year old is just pretty traumatic no matter what you do.

so, we'll see. if the tests come back negative (daniel, chris and i all had them) for the genetic marker, then we are pretty sure that it isn't celiac. if it comes back positive, then we go back for more testing. we are praying for clarity.

Happy New Year

2007-01-01T11:13:00.000-07:00

well, we here in the estoll household did Not stay up until midnight to ring in the new year...a fact that is terribly sad, but true. new year's eve in my young and carefree days used to be marked by a big party, sometimes even with masks. (ask betty, if you want to know.) this year, however, i am old and i spent the evening watching tlc with my parents (complete with commercials for retirement accounts and i've-fallen-and-i-can't-get-up buttons) and going to bed at 10:15. such is reality when the babe is guaranteed to wake you at least 3 times before dawn. maybe next year.

however, i did think i would try for some new years resolutions, since one can make those regardless of how much sleep one has had...and may even be more fun with less. i don't normally do formal resolutions, but as was mentioned above, i am old now, and so must face up to the music so to speak.

so, here are a few resolutions, in no particular order:

1. lose weight--the classic resolution. this one is actually a possibility for me, though, since i have already lost 45 lbs since jonathan was born. before you get too congratulatory, i gained 55lbs while pregnant, so you do the math. ideally, i would like to get back to where i was before i was constantly pregnant and nursing, which would be an additional 10.

2. strive to say "yes" to the boys more. i think that particularly with all the chaos of the last 6months, much of my time has been spent in some level of crisis mode, and my reflex for the boys has become more often "just a minute", or "we'll do that later" than "let's play." and really, how hard is it to just take 10 minutes to play before going on to the next thing. so now that we are not so wild-eyed and white-knuckled, i want to put them first whenever possible, and let the Next Thing wait for a little while.

3. settle in. because of the wildness of our days, as we moved in to our new home many things in our house were thrown in the closest corner or have been languishing in random boxes instead of thoughtfully organized into a new, logical place. so i'd like to work on regaining a sense of order in our house. should only take about 365 days or so (if i'm lucky).

so, what are your resolutions?

happy new year!

It's the Big One

2006-12-23T14:50:00.000-07:00

well, we had quite an exciting week here, with over 2 feet of snow falling on wednesday. everything in the city shut down and chris had 2 unexpected days off right before the christmas weekend (yay!) we all sat inside and watched the snow fall--an incredible amount, by our standards, and a big colorado welcome for grame and grandpa, who are moving here from california.

because we were all safe and dry, we were able to just enjoy the awesome display--fire up the teapot and wipe the condensation from the windows. the next day, we ventured out to see the snow and took the pictures of the boys in front of the drifts that are taller than they are. the snow blanketed everything with a coating of silence, and the cars on the busy street next to us were slow and quiet, so the boys could even play out on the street in front of our house. it's amazing how much difference a big storm can make.

being confined for two days made me grateful for many things...the ablility we normally have to come and go when we please, having my family safe and sound, having enough food to weather the storm, hot drinks. a husband with a goofy sense of humor. slippers. and children who remind me that icicles are for *eating*.

Where Are All Those Guys??

2006-12-19T14:23:00.000-07:00

i have not posted for a while, and i will tell you that it is because i have made a stunning realization in the past few days--that is, that apparently those "santa's elves" i've been hearing about are really ME. that's right, it has taken me until i'm 30, but the sheer magnitude of holiday preparations has finally caught up to me.

it's not even that we are doing a crazy-extravagant holiday or anything. if you read my previous post about christmas, you know that i am somewhat disturbed by all the excesses that we are encouraged to engage in when giving at holiday time. in fact, i have been striving to do many of our gifts in a homemade way. which might be part of the madness, actually, given my genetic predisposition to procrastination.

also, this is the first year that we are having christmas in our new house, and the first year that the boys are old enough to really be excited. and in nicholas' case, it may be the first time that he really remembers christmas, now that he's 4. which means i really want things to be special.

so, here's to all the other santa's elves out there...i gotta hand it to you. i had no idea.

photo credit: Flickr/NoOtherOne

Gluten Free Corn Dog

2006-12-10T16:21:00.000-07:00

well, i just have to share this with you because i felt pretty cool. the other day for dinner i made these gluten-free corndogs for the boys for dinner. because, as all you savvy gluten-detectives know, corn dogs are normally NOT gluten free.....either the batter will have wheat flour in it, or the oil that they are fried in will be used to fry other gluteny things like chicken fingers or something.

it's not that the kids have had corn dogs all that often, it's just that its one of those fun kid-things that they would get to have when we were out somewhere, and it's those little things that kill me sometimes. if we end up staying with this diet for the long haul, there are going to be many many things that daniel will have to forgo, things that most kids don't think twice about...and that is hard to take (more for me than for him at this point--he's only 2 after all.) i know, i know, it's only food, but the truth is that food plays a big part in our lives, in our social interactions, and it is a big way that people nurture each other, for better or for worse. and the thought of daniel being left out of those things makes me sad sometimes.

and then, i saw on another blog where a woman made vegan corndogs for her little boy (check out the vegan lunchbox link to the left if you are interested), and i thought if she can do it, so can i! so, i got a gluten-free cornbread mix, and a special pan (really for twinkies, but it was close enough), and then just trimmed the little doggies a little bit to fit--voila! the boys had fun, and so did the mama. score one for outsmarting the gluten, at least this time!

Chewy as a Rat

2006-12-03T20:35:00.000-07:00

one day last week we were sitting at the table eating tacos for dinner (mmmmm, tacos.) we have switched to using corn tortillas now that we are watching gluten for daniel, and i found some really tasty ones that use sprouted corn, so they are extra-added-bonus healthfood. partway in to the meal, nicholas offers his latest descriptive phrase, telling me that "mama, this is as chewy as a rat." i'm pretty sure he meant it as a compliment. i really hope that he is not using an actual rat as a basis for comparison.

and just in case you were wondering, if a child of 4 swallows a penny, it is only a problem if the penny lodges in the windpipe before reaching the stomach. ask me how i know this.

'Tis the Season

2006-11-30T15:28:00.000-07:00

i don't know if any of you have noticed this, but the season of buying things is well underway. any time i step into a store or turn on the tv--music, ads, lights, camera, action! if chris *really* loved me he would buy me a heartstone diamond necklace, and if i really loved *him*, i would get him the newest cool cellphone that can make phone calls AND breakfast with the touch of a button. the other day i came in to the room while an ad for a minivan was on, and i found myself dancing to the music--besides the obvious scariness of a minivan commercial being targeted at my demographic (now that i am Really Old), it struck me how easy it is to be sucked in to the idea that if i just had this One More Thing, i would really be "much happier."

i have been thinking about this for a while. on one of the message boards that i like to read, some of the people there have been talking about this thing they call The Compact, explained through this quote, taken from a blog on the subject:

"Compact
1) to go beyond recycling in trying to counteract the negative global environmental and socioeconomic impacts of U.S. consumer culture, to resist global corporatism, and to support local businesses, farms, etc. -- a step, we hope, inherits the revolutionary impulse of the Mayflower Compact; 2) to reduce clutter and waste in our homes (as in trash Compact-er); 3) to simplify our lives (as in Calm-pact)"

essentially, these people forming a Compact have all made a commitment that for one year they will buy nothing new, except food and health items. instead of going to target or the mall when something is needed, they have commited to finding it secondhand, or going without if the item turns out to be unneccessary; in this way, they are seeking to reduce the amount of resources that are consumed by their lifestyle and to examine the role that consumerism plays in the culture around them. buying nothing new doesn't seem that revolutionary, until i think about it for a while, and maybe you can too--how many things as i look around my room were bought new, when they didn't have to be? how easy is it to walk into target with a list of things i "need", and walk out with 1 or 2 or 5 more things that i didn't know i "needed" until i was walking around the store? while i am not ready to be as committed as some of these people are, the idea of being that mindful of my role in using global resources is intriguing. if you haven't seen it already, there is a very thought-provoking quiz that you can take to see where you rank in your use of natural resources--the results may shock you, as they did me.

rehearsals are underway for the christmas choir, and one of the songs that we sing always strikes me as i think about this subject. the name of the song is This is My Everything, and the words read:
"All that I love, all that I prize,
all that I cherish more than my life,
all is surrendered. I will be poor, for Your glory.
Resting in all You are, trusting Your loving heart,
'Cause this is my everything, this is my offering.
All that I have I bring. This is my offering."

the line that sticks out to me the most is "i will be poor for your glory". i am not poor. i never have been--even when money is tight, i would never consider myself to be poor--and i wonder what it would mean to truly be poor for the glory of God. how radical would that be, to truly give up on material things in order to serve God more fully--like the compact, but with an eye trained toward an eternal goal. and additionally, to trust that God would be faithful to provide for what i need, that i could rest in who He is and His love for me, rather than my own ability to *aquire*. especially at christmastime, when we celebrate the birth of our Savior, a man who lived "poorly" by the world's standard, it seems that i could do more to pattern my life after his example. and i'm guessing it doesn't involve the newest ipod, no matter how cool the commercial is.

Photo credit: Flickr user "eston"

Stomach Flu: the Gift that Keeps On Giving

2006-11-27T08:34:00.000-07:00

well, happy thanksgiving to everyone....we went to visit my folks in colorado springs this weekend for the holiday, and nicholas brought an extra special gift with him: the 24 hour flu. poor kid spewed all over the dining room--and me, and my dad. fortunately, this was wednesday, not the Big Day, but he was pretty sick through most of thanksgiving anyway.

act II--chris succumbs. friday night, chris falls ill, and we decide to separate the troops. (i.e. jonathan and i abandon the downstairs for safer ground during the evening's festivities.)

act III--mom and dad share the love. cut to the estoll family making a hasty exit and running for the hills. we make it home with no vomit in the car, and even manage to have an uneventful day on sunday, recuperating and working on christmas decorations. we begin to feel cocky.

act IV--jonathan will not be left out. so, this morning, young one #3 awakens with a smile and a fountain of sickness. i can see no way for daniel and i to escape...it is only a matter of time.

bloglines

2006-11-17T16:59:00.000-07:00

so now that i am all techno-savvy (ha!) i have recently learned about this website where you can list the blogs that you read regularly and it will notify you when a new post is made. saves that rat-in-a-cage feeling of having to keep checking back and checking back to see if someone has posted anything new. and since i am so enamored with this new world of blogging, i am trying it out. it is really fun! it's like having mail in your mailbox, or maybe a magazine or something. anyway, check it out! and put me on there! :)

Jonathan

2006-11-16T14:57:00.000-07:00

so, jonathan is the smiliest baby i know. and believe me, i know a few. it's hard to make it in the mom world without fellow mom friends with their own smiling babies, so i believe that i have a good basis for comparison. now, you may think that i am biased, and that is your perogative, but i am telling you the truth. case in point: i came home last night from working and choir practice, and had been away from him for about 5 hours--much longer than i have been in the past. he was sitting with chris on the couch, barely hanging on to his good nature, but when he saw me he didn't cry like i would expect from a baby who has exhausted his good will--instead, he looks at me with this smile like "i really want to cry but i am happy to see you"-- this shaky little "heh heh heh" sort of greeting.

i think that perhaps this smiley nature is the result of being a third child, the third boy in a row. he is easygoing, merges in with the flow, and generally seems to be content to be along for the ride. my midwife, jennifer dossett (awesome midwife, by the way, highly recommended) told me when i was freaking out about the stresses of the past year that her third child came in the midst of a very chaotic time in her life as well, and is by all accounts the most mellow and easygoing of all her children. proof that God has a sense of how much we can handle, i guess.

the other thing that jonathan is doing lately is this scooty-grabby maneuver when something is out of his reach. he has been rolling on to his stomach for months now (must. update. baby book.), but gets really mad once he's there because a.) he can't roll back over, and b.) those darn toys keep moving out of his reach. thus, the scooty-grabby. which he does, yelling all the while at the toy for the injustice of it all.

and for all of you out there who have written off the smiliest baby title because you think that i am hindered by my momness, i will have you know that just today someone else told me the very same thing about him. so there.

Library Tyranny

2006-11-07T15:22:00.000-07:00

first, let me just say that i love the library. i have always loved to read, and going to the library allows me to browse and sample at will from thousands of different books. when i was a child, we would go to the library once a week in the summer, and i would leave with stacks of books, only to come back for more a week later. when you go to a library, there's no worry about buyer's remorse...if you don't like something, you can always return it. plus, it's all free -- all the fun of a shopping spree, minus the guilt.

free, that is, until you face this sneaky little nuisance called the Library Fine. now, i'm all for the idea of not letting people just check out books, willy nilly, without regard for who may be waiting to read next, and library fines address that problem. they keep people accountable, and keep the supply of information available and flowing from one person to the next.

however, the Library Fine is also my nemesis. you see, i am not the most organized mama on the block, and our library trips are not of the weekly variety. there are some days when i am still feeling lucky if all the children are fed and clothed, let alone trying to round up all the books and coats and shoes, then venturing into a (supposedly) quiet environment where people whisper to each other, and most certainly Do Not Yell, Run, or Jump. with 3 boys, that can sometimes be a recipe for a meltdown. also, my scatterbrained nature (i prefer "creative") often leads me to be a few days late on the renewal uptake.

which leads me to the reason for this post. you see, i have been slowly working my way through a book (i know! a book!) and over the course of the last month am almost done with it. however, the library only lets you check things out for 3 weeks, and i keep forgetting to renew. so, today i went online to renew it. (yay me!) feeling resourceful, if a bit sheepish knowing that i would owe about a dollar in fines, i logged in to my account.....only to find that i owe the library OVER 20 DOLLARS!!! apparently, there is this book that we checked out for the kids right before we moved which has been MIA for a while. but, we had gone into the library to confess, and they gave us a grace period to find it amongst all the boxes. apparently the library's version of grace does not include monetary mercy.

so much for my frugal pastime....

Preschool Similies

2006-11-02T21:17:00.000-07:00

nicholas' newest phrases of note: "mama, i can run faster than a cheeto", and "mama, i'm as hungry as a rocket." (a poet is born....)

daniel's current rationalization: i say, "daniel, please help me with this." he says, "i can't, 'cause i'm a daniel." (how can you argue with something like that?)

jonathan's latest obsession: noodledog, and anything that i am eating or drinking. today, he almost had my cup right where he wanted it.

Apple Butter

2006-10-30T09:38:00.000-07:00

i picked up some organic apples at the farmer's market in boulder last week, while having some girl-time (plus jonathan) with anne reed. organic produce can be expensive, but when i go i often ask if they have any "seconds", which are cosmetically blemished but still tasty to eat. they are usually about half the regular price that way.

then yesterday, i dusted off the ol' canner (thanks to chris' mom, who gave me hers a few years ago), and decided to can for the first time all season. i ususally like to can things like jam because i can do it for less money than buying it, and i know that there aren't any funky things added in like there can be from store-bought. there is something satisfying about seeing all the little jars lined up in a row in the pantry when i'm done.

it strikes me that it wasn't too many generations ago when one of the main ways to preserve food for the winter was to can it. the amount of work that goes in to processing one little jar is comparatively large, and the thought of being responsible for putting enough food away to survive makes me very grateful to not have that weight on my shoulders. my little batch of apple butter is miniscule compared to the amount of time and effort that went in to preserving the harvest in earlier times. that's part of the joy in it for me, to have this way to remember and appreciate the blessings of abundant food.

It's a Virtue

2006-10-25T22:17:00.000-06:00

tonight i went to a bible study that i have been a part of for a few years. this semester i am more of a lurker because i just don't have the space for one more thing, so the homework goes by the wayside. however, this particular study is by Beth Moore, and if anyone has ever done one of her studies, you are aquainted with her dynamic video lectures (and good ol' southern-woman-hair).

this study is on the fruit of the spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control), with each characteristic getting a week each--this week was "patience". patience is one of those things that is joked about in christian circles, as in, don't pray for patience, because then you are *really* in for it. it almost feels like a superstition--the closer you get to patience, the harder your life will be, so beware of this one, girls! but tonight i was struck by the magnitude of my own impatience, and particularly with my boys. husband too, for that matter, but at least he can stand up for himself.

lately it feels like everything in my life is in fast-forward, and my children take the brunt of my inability to cope with all that we are and have been juggling. new job. new house. new baby. new dietary restrictions. and so i try to get here and there and this and that and meanwhile my kids are doing the things that kids do, like running over my feet with the mini-grocery carts at vitamin cottage, and ripping the newspaper into tiny pieces all over their room, and pummelling each other with the broomstick horse, and i just want them to leave.me.alone. or maybe it's nothing that they did at all, they are just too slow, too small, too tired, and i am unwilling to cut them any slack. when did they become the scapegoats for my own inadequacy?

so beth moore makes the observation that the times when others are driving us crazy are the times when God is working to refine the crap that is in our own hearts, to purify them so that we can become a truer likeness of him and more effective in our lives as believers. which makes total sense in my situation. my kids have nothing to do with the circumstances that surround our family right now--they had absolutely no say in them at all. and yet, how much easier is it for me to look at the things they do and think, 'if only they were not so _____, my life would be so much easier.' i could have the pretense of keeping it all together, of having some kind of storybook life, if only.

but then i see the wisdom of leaching all that ugliness out of my heart, so that i can look at my children when they are *being children* and give them some small piece of the grace that God has shown to me in the midst of my own shortcomings. so, i guess it's time to ditch the superstition, and pray for patience. because, God knows, i really need some.

Things to Remember

2006-10-23T14:36:00.000-06:00

today is the sort of day that makes autumn my favorite season. leaves that fall gracefully and then crunch underfoot. skies that are sunny and shockingly blue. crisp air, and the sense that you have to make the most of this day because it just can't last.

things about jonathan: the way that he smiles so big that his body can't help but wiggle with joy when he sees me. the concentration face when The Fist has reappeared and he is working so hard to get it to his mouth...eyes crossed, tongue sticking partway out of a drooly mouth--precious! his obsession with rolling over onto his stomach--no one can stop him!--and it's only ever to the left.

things about daniel: his determination to do everything himself and the sweet way he mimics whatever his older brother does--a great love. his favorite stories are Harold and the Purple Crayon, and From Head to Toe by Eric Carle...and of course all the motions too. every morning he crawls into bed with me and snuggles quietly, then says "mama, can i have some brekis?"

things about nicholas: his song for jonathan--"it's ok baby, yo ho ho, yo ho ho", and the way that he always asks to give him a hug. his favorite thing to do is "be a helper", and last weekend he hauled concrete blocks into the minivan and into the dump with me--no easy task. how much he is memorizing: every night, chris reads a traditional prayer and sings a song with the boys, and nicholas can recite most of the prayer of st. francis, and can sing all the words to the song "Jude", a special song chris and i learned while working at the dale house project.

babies waking up...short naptime today

L.M.O.T.B.

2006-10-22T16:48:00.000-06:00

i have a confession to make: i never work during naptime. with the exception of the occasional load of laundry thrown in or dishwasher started (only if there is no room to cook dinner), i do not do any chores while the children are sleeping. certainly not anything that would involve a lot of thought or effort, unless it is an Extreme Emergency. you know, like company is coming for dinner or we are packing to go on a trip.

why? because this is the only time of day that i can do whatever i feel like. i can think in complete sentences without interruption. i can read something (maybe even an actual book, without pictures!) i don't have to feed anyone, or clean up from feeding someone, or plan out what i will be feeding someone next. i can even, *drumroll please*, Take a Nap--apparently the most controversial of all naptime activities. but, if i have been up 3 or 4 times during the night, which has been common lately, or i am gestating (and lets face it--when have i not been gestating these last 5 years), it is really hard for me to get through the day and still be civil to my children without closing my eyes for a while.

it makes sense to me. if i were working outside the home, i would have 2 smokebreaks and an hour for lunch. even the most harried of professionals has to commute to and from work--all alone in the car, listening to whatever radio station they want, and i'm guessing no one is yelling at the top of their lungs "mama, brother is touching me!!"

i recently learned that not all mothers do this, taking time out while the kiddos are asleep. i was told that several of my friends feel that naptime is a perfect time to "catch up" on things around the house, and often feel that they don't have time to rest because there is too much to do. which made me wonder if i am the only one who does this. and if so, does that make me the Laziest Mother on the Block?

Pavlov

2006-10-21T22:12:00.000-06:00

day number two and this is really pretty fun...got a couple of emails, a comment (thanks mom!) and enough positive reinforcement to make any dog proud. ("waiting for the dinner bell to do the bell thing, dinner bell, dinner bell, ding"). seems like a pretty good start.

today marked the third installment in the quest to find a gluten-free pie crust that is worth eating. three or four weeks ago, our doctor suggested that we try a gluten free diet for our middle son daniel, who had had diarrhea pretty much all summer long. we noticed it for a while, but then jonathan was born so everything else was put on the back burner, and then we thought that maybe it was just too much fruit, and then we tried probiotics, and then all of a sudden we were struck by the fact that several months had passed and maybe we should take him into the doctor. poor, neglected middle child.

anyway, we are a little over three weeks into the experiment, and daniel seems to really be improving...better diapers, and he seems to be lacking that overall tired, sick look around the eyes that i didn't really notice until it was gone. wonderful mother that i am, i was really hoping that it was going to be giardia, or some other terrible but easily curable microscopic problem--anything but gluten, which anyone who has had to deal with allergies can tell you is in everything, and i do mean *everything*. soy sauce. rice crispies, for heaven's sake.

which leads me to the piecrust. i have been trying to find a good substitute for good ol' gluten-laden piecrust, and have been dismally unsuccessful. the first try, bob's red mill brand, tasted disturbingly like beans. the second (pamela's products) was better but took 3 sticks of butter, and tonight, gluten free pantry's pie crust mix. the best one of all, but still a mealy, unsatisfying substitute. anyone out there with suggestions, i am all ears.

Numero Uno

2006-10-20T23:17:00.000-06:00

so, apparently blogging is all the rage, and in an attempt to be part of the in-crowd, i have decided to give it a try. really, though, i am more interested in the idea of having a place to record my thoughts (and maybe a motivation to have more of them), and to have an outlet for my more introspective side (read: occasionally moody, usually self conscious.) i also wanted to have a way to record the days and to try to remember what is happening before it blows right by me.

after each of my childrens' births, i have had a sort of identity crisis, where i convinced myself that i needed to *do* some grand thing (each thing less lofty than the first.) i think that somehow i must have thought that these ideas would be an answer for the momentary panic i feel when faced with the reality of a new human being whose entire existence is immediately dependent entirely on me. with nicholas, the idea was that i was going to go to grad school and get a master's degree. with daniel, i was seized with a sudden and intense need to learn spanish. when jonathan was born this last june, our lives were too chaotic at the time (new baby, moving, 2 week trip to california) for me to focus on anything, much less my often-irrational thoughts, so i think that the self-improvement response has been slowed....

but, now things are settling down, and maybe learning about blogging will be my new 'improvement', the thing that i simply must do in the face of this new responsibility. i hope that i will be able to get past the feeling that in order to do this, i need to be witty or eloquent, because that will really slow me down. really what i want is a chance to give shape to my thoughts, and to record moments that rise above the mundane so that i can remember them when the view of the laundry pile makes me feel moody and small.

we'll see if the longevity of this project fares any better than that of the previous two....